I arrived late for the dinner/dance, so I had to sit at the edge of the dance floor. I noticed a friend swinging by and thought I would playfully pinch his bum; instead, he dropped his partner into my lap. She looked up at me, I at her, and we said, “hello,” simultaneously. Instant connection! She got up and continued dancing.
I finally located her in the giant ballroom and discovered that she was with friends and was “available.” For the rest of the evening, we spoke to each other with deep intimacy and danced every dance.
The next day, on our eight-hour date, we shared our stories and expressed how we both wanted to have a spiritual relationship. We were both quite aware that our deep connection was about healing our soul wounds, not about looks, sex, personalities or common interests.
We both believed that everyone is “perfect” just the way they are and, if we have buttons pushed, or old pain triggered, it is a reflection of ourselves and not about the other person. It is something we are and have not fully embraced, or it’s something we secretly want to be, but have not given ourselves permission to be because of our judgment about it.
Our understanding was that there are no victims or perpetrators, no right or wrong and that we co-create everything in our lives. The key was not to just understand all this, but to put it into practice and live it everyday and, ideally, moment-to-moment.
I know the most important issue for us was to experience a relationship based on love rather than fear and that, in itself, was frightening, yet that didn’t seem to matter to me since I had long ago tired of fear-based relationships and I was ready for a new way to love. So we signed up for the ride.
The first thing we worked on was our language, speaking from the “I” instead of the “you,” changed “but” to “and,” “should” to “could,” and “can’t” to “won’t” (or choose not to). We then tore up our memberships in the SKOWLED (secret, keeping, omitting, withholding, lying, embellishment, denial) club so, hopefully, the effect would be total exposure, vulnerability, and true intimacy.
We then investigated our family histories. Interestingly enough, on the surface it appeared that we had two totally different up-bringings but underneath, at the core, we had run similar patterns such as low self-esteem, unattractive, dumb, not funny, etc. We were conscious enough to understand that our parents ran the same tapes and recorded them onto us.
Since we had nothing to hide, it took only a day or two for the “action” to start. I had difficulty accepting the lines on her pretty face and since it is about me, I did my processing around this issue and I realized the struggle was that I was not accepting the fact that I was aging. After embracing it, I was free and so was she.
Her trigger was with my lack of good physical health (even though I was addressing it) and, through her own work, became aware of her own fears around disability and death. At the same time, I didn’t like that she made a mess in the kitchen and didn’t clean it up; she disliked that I was too neat. By our continuing to be as we were, I deduced that I had never given myself permission to be messy and it dawned on her that my neatness represented the disorder in her life. Again, we gained mastery and moved on (to the next trigger of course).
Abandonment came up for us when I chose not to visit her family out of town. She recalled being hospitalized at age three or four and no one visiting her and then making the decision, “I don’t need anyone ever again” which, of course, blocked intimacy in every one of her future relationships. Dramatic healing occurred as a result of this awareness.
For myself, there were times when we had plans and she would receive a “better offer” and I would feel so sad (yet again asked her not to change or rescue me) and it allowed me to grieve and heal all those times when my parents or friends did that with me. After that, it was like a domino effect, one issue leading to another to another. The key was that we let each other be and, as a result, got closer and closer for four glorious years.
One day I said to her, “I’ve got it. You can be, say or do anything you want without judgment or retribution” and she left the relationship. Our work together was done.
I grieved for months with the most pain I have ever experienced.
Then, I got it. “I am the one I am waiting for. I am the one who loves me. I am the one who will never leave me.” Since then, I want love, desire love, like love; however, I don’t “need it” and that, to me, is the ultimate place of peace.
Vladimir Kanizaj is The Soul Woundologist based in Edmonton, Canada. For more information on his services please visit his website at TheSoulWoundologist.com
Originally published in “The Violet Ray” December 2008/January 2009.
