Having now just suffered through another Mother’s Day, I would like to explore my mother issues at our session Wednesday.
I spent the entire day in a state of despair. I “should” call my mother, yet I don’t. I feel disappointed in myself – what a bad son. But why should I feel bad. It’s her that shows no interest in my life. My birthday phone call from her was the usual shallow, quick conversation, like she felt obligated and couldn’t hand the phone off to my sister fast enough. Besides despair and disappointment, I was resentful and judgmental.
These are the feelings that resonated for me when I reviewed the list of emotions, all fear based – cynical, punitive, struggling, pre-occupied, stubborn, self-absorbed, aggravated, agony, anger, bitter, confused, defensive, defiant, distressed, discouraged, gnawing, grief, grieving, hardened, hurt, cowardly, indignant, lonely, melancholy, miserable, longing, rejected, resigned, restrained, selfish, shame, solemn, sour, uncomfortable, unhappy, victimized, vulnerable, woeful, wounded, yearning, weary, vengeful, scared.
So far, 3 mornings straight, I have woken up to nothing, a neutral feeling. I believe I am numb to my feelings. I came across the term comatose which resonates. When I look at the above, I wonder if I am numb or if there is just so much going on I can’t distinguish any particular feeling, like when all colours are mixed together, you get white. All my feeling blended together = white noise.
Fodder for Wednesday.
Doug-less (today)
