I learned at a very early age that showing my feelings was not acceptable. I was the “moody one,” always acting up at family gatherings, crying or having a tantrum. All was not well at home, on a deep level, and I seemed to be the one giving voice to the pain…. until I learned to hold back my tears, be “strong” and “independent (as in never let anyone in to see the real me)”.
I had several shifts over the years, each one bringing new knowledge and growth, and sometimes real awareness, and then slowly drifted back to my old habits of hiding behind my mask. Living from my heart was inconvenient, interfering with my routine, disconnecting me from my old friends, my parties, my cynicism, my mask. My fear was not willing to play second fiddle to the love longing to guide me. So fear would again become my master.
That game of cat and mouse is still being played in my being, and now I see it as it happens, I am more aware of my feelings. Although I still judge my feelings from a fear place, I am also aware that I am doing it and understand more where the judgments and fear come from. I don’t hate myself ALL the time for being judgmental, and definitely have more compassion for myself and others. My close personal relationship have changed and I am more conscious of what is happening under the surface… the inner feelings, the unexpressed emotions, the energy .
My life mastery coach Vladimir has been instrumental in helping me to open up and learn how to be honest with myself; acknowledge, accept, and embrace all the parts of me, especially the unacceptable ugly fearful despicably shameful side of me. I have realized that when I can fully and unequivocably love those parts of me (still working on that), then I will not be afraid to really shine, to let my heart lead all the time, to allow my love to flow no matter who I’m with or where I go.
Namaste
Lisi
